Books That Should Not Be Movies: Wild Fire

If you’re like me, anytime you read a new book you like to speculate about what a movie based on that book would be like, who would star, and so on. But occasionally, the opposite happens. You read something so hammer-your-head-on-your-desk-ingly terrible that visualizing it on the silver screen gives you the heebie-jeebies for a week. For me, such was the case with Wild Fire, a “thriller” by Nelson DeMille. I don’t know anything about Mr. DeMille other than what I read on Wikipedia about thirty seconds ago. But he seems to be quite the big player in the literary world, with two of his books already having been turned into movies. According to his Wikipedia article: “He spends approximately two years crafting each of his novels due to the extensive research involved, and because he writes them longhand on legal pads with a number one pencil.” Really? A number one pencil? I always just figured they skipped one entirely and went straight to two. As for the two years of extensive research, I’m guessing that for Wild Fire, DeMille spent most of that time skinny-dipping in ponds in upstate New York and being obnoxious to hotel staff, since that is pretty much all his protagonist ever does.

For those still not convinced that a Wild Fire movie would be a bad idea, I’ve written a script myself. And believe me, it’s pretty spot-on with the source material. It goes a little something-something like the following:

SCENE 1

INT. VILLAIN'S SECRET UNDERGROUND BUNKER THINGY

We are in a secret underground bunker thingy. BAIN MADOX, an evil oil baron preferably played by either Clint Eastwood or C. Montgomery Burns, stands before a chair on which is tied the struggling DOOMED AGENT GUY, whose name I can't remember because I read this like three years ago and don't care enough to look it up.

DOOMED AGENT GUY: What the eff do you plan to effing do with me, you effing effer?

BAIN MADOX: I'm going to spend the next hour telling you about my diabolical scheme to detonate a doomsday device in San Francisco and pin the blame on the Islamists, thereby inciting nuclear retaliation against the entire Middle East! (Taps fingertips together.) Excellent.

DOOMED AGENT GUY: Effin' serious? Then you're going to let me go, right?

BAIN MADOX: Uhhhh...sure.

As promised, Bain Madox spends a whole hour of movie time explaining his scheme. This does not vary from the book in the slightest. Then, huge plot twist no one could ever see coming in a million skillion years--Bain Madox SHOOTS Doomed Agent Guy.

DOOMED AGENT GUY: Ow! My effin' torso! (dies)

SCENE 2

NEW YORK CITY SOMEWHERE - DAY

We meet JOHN COREY, a wisecracking detective/agent/CIA guy/army guy of some kind. And his wife/supervisor, KATE MAYFIELD, who, as the book tells us about sixty times, is HOT.

JOHN COREY: Hey, what do you suppose ever happened to my old friend Doomed Agent Guy? What say we head to upstate New York and find out?

KATE MAYFIELD: John, as your supervisor at the CIA or FBI or NYPD or wherever it is we work, I am definitely going to have to put my foot down on this one.

JOHN COREY: Shut your yapper, woman!

KATE MAYFIELD: Ohhh, you're so cute when you verbally abuse me and others! Let's hit the road!

SCENE 3:

AN AIRPORT IN UPSTATE NEW YORK SOMEWHERE - DAY

John has just finished berating a desk guy who was just DOING HIS JOB. He winks at the camera. Kate is visibly turned on.

JOHN COREY: Wisecrack wisecrack. Okay! Now that that's done, let's go stop that Bain Madox guy.

KATE MAYFIELD: Shouldn't we get approval from HQ first?

JOHN COREY: Screw `em.

KATE MAYFIELD: Good point! Let's make out.

JOHN COREY: Hey, do you think there are any bears in these woods? I can't imagine how that could possibly become important later. Wisecrack.

SCENES 4 through 11:

Just repeat Scene 3 six times, swapping out the airport for a gas station, a ranger station, a luxury hotel, a general store, a bait shop, and a gun store.

SCENE 12

VILLAIN'S SECRET UNDERGROUND BUNKER THINGY

Bain Madox has captured John and Kate and is holding them hostage in his bunker thingy.

BAIN MADOX: Now that you're in my clutches, I'm going to do the same as every other lame movie bad guy since the dawn of time and wait to kill you until after my nefarious scheme is successful! Which should give you plenty of time to escape and kill me. But you didn't hear that from me. Now to blow up San Francisco!

JOHN COREY: Are you sure you want to do that, Bain Madox?

BAIN MADOX: Uh, I think so.

JOHN COREY: Are you really really sure?

BAIN MADOX: Pretty sure. Why?

JOHN COREY: Because I've got a lot of friends in San Francisco, and, to be honest (snicker), I just don't know if I could BEAR it.

John Corey shoots Bain Madox in the face with a flare gun designed for scaring off bears.

BAIN MADOX: That was the stupidest thing I ever heard. (dies)

JOHN COREY: Cool cool. Hey Kate, wanna make out?

GUY FROM HQ: Corey, you're a loose cannon. But you did save the world and stuff. So we'll let it slide just this once.

JOHN COREY: Wisecrack wisecrack. (Winks at the camera.)

Ben! Explain Your Dang Self!

Benhossmeen \ben-haws’-meen\ n (2000) : Name given by possibly insane woman to young missionary and flan enthusiast B.I. Green during his seven-month sojourn in the bustling swamptropolis of San Fernando de Apure, Venezuela in 2000 A.D.

swamptropolis \swawmp-traw-puh-luhs (hey give me a break, I couldn’t find a schwa)\ n (2015) : Pretty much what it sounds like.

The above definitions are true and accurate. Said whackmama’s reasoning for calling me “Benhossmeen” was that it made my given name, Benjamin, sound more Middle Eastern and therefore more alluring. As in “Prince Benhossmeen, Son of Pharaoh, Ruler of Thebes and Mighty Conqueror of Shawarma,” said in a sexy voice (preferably by that floozy from The Ten Commandments). Who could resist such majesty? It must have worked wonders because her daughter had a jones for me. Or maybe that was because I had recently started parting my hair on the opposite side. Or maybe it was just because she wanted out of San Fernando and would have hooked up with Carrot Top had he shown up. Not that I’m deriding the talented and charismatic Mr. Top for one moment. Anyway…yeah. The story of Benhossmeen. Camp counselors will be telling it in spooky voices to mumbly switchblade-carrying bad seeds for generations to come.

So, the blog. This is essentially a reboot of a blog I worked on kind of half-heartedly a few years ago. It was supposed to be my “official author’s blog,” so most of the posts were centered around writing and the writing process in general. I tried to copy the style of other official author’s blogs I came across, and the results were lame indeed, primarily because I haven’t actually published anything yet. Most authors with blogs post about upcoming book signings, sequels in the works, etc. You know. The kind of things you really have to be a published author to blog about. So I would write long-winded posts about story elements like genre and plot and characterization, under the mistaken belief that there’s a sizable percentage of the population that gets its kicks from reading long-winded posts about those things. Needless to say, the project was a failure. I only ever had two comments. One was from my wife, and I’m pretty sure the other was from Satan.

With the new and improved blog, I’m abandoning the “author in the works” persona entirely. From this point on, I am blogging as myself, i.e. “Benhossmeen, Vanquisher of Bozos Who Drive Really Slow in the Left Lane Without Ever Actually Passing Anybody.” Said in a sexy voice.